mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
