last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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