my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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