the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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