There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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