remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
