My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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