I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
