between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I have fence marks all over my body
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
