Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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