I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Too much gin, very little bucket
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
