Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
