forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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