i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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