Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
