Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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