This is not my ceiling
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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