you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
