I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
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just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
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All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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