I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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