the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
