You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
