Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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