does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
