Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
