I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
she smelled like a LAN party
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
