My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
