he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
