Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
