mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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