Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
