I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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