You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
