It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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