why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
