Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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