Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
