So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
