I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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