I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
