i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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