since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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