I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
be right there i have to get my cape
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
