my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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