Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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