so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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