So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
