So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
