Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
