Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
