she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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