She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
