In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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