People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
