he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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