I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
