Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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