Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
