I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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