so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
